It Only Hurts When I Breathe
by svurookie
Summary: This is a songfic to the title song by Shania Twain.


Olivia opened the closet door and gazed inside. Alex's side of the closet was empty. A time when all her blue pinned-striped suits and blazers hung neatly beside Olivia's tight sweaters and array of jackets and pullovers was now just a memory of the past. _"Great." _Olivia thought to herself, _"Now my clothes won't get wrinkled from the lack of space there was before. There's **plenty** of room now." _

The dresser drawers that had been overflowing with a mixed variety of under garments belonging to each woman were now able to be shut all the way. With Alex's items gone, there was plenty of room for Olivia's underwear, bras, and socks to fit neatly into the drawers.

"_Good." _Olivia opened and shut the drawers repeatedly, trying to convince herself the extra drawer space made her life a lot easier. _"At least I won't have to worry about stuff falling all over the floor when I reach for a pair of socks."_

The bed was neatly made, every corner turned down, comforter spread straight and unwrinkled over the mattress. Olivia ran her hand over the dark blue blanket thinking to herself, _"I can't remember when the last time I had the whole bed to myself was without someone always kicking me or stealing the covers all night long." _Olivia smiled in spite of herself and her eyes wandered to the nightstand to the left of the bed. It was empty. What used to be decorated with a box of Puffs tissues for Alex's allergies, eye glasses, eye drops, a contacts case, and a copy of _The Dating Game_ by Danielle Steele, was now laden with dust and emptiness. Olivia looked at the nightstand to the right of the bed with it's loose change, gun in holster, beeper, cell phone, and alarm clock scattered on top of it, and thought, "_At least now I have **two** nightstands to keep all my stuff on. One wasn't cutting it."_

Olivia walked around the bed and ventured into the bathroom. Her nostrils flared as she was hit with the lingering scent of Alex's shampoo and body spray as she entered the room. She had to grip the door knob to keep herself from shuddering. She looked around the empty room with wide eyes, taking a minute to let go of the knob, Olivia walked further into the bathroom and took in her surroundings. The sink was left with one tooth brush; hers. One sip cup; hers. She pulled open the shower curtain and realized she never bought any shampoo or body wash, hers and Alex's were one in the same. _"So I'll have to buy my own shampoo now. Big deal! At least I can pick out a scent **I like**." _Liv breathed in, catching a nose-full of the familiar scent of her former lover, and as memories overcame her, exited the bathroom quickly, slamming the door behind her.

Olivia gripped the wall outside the bathroom door, her chest heaving in and out, as nausea swept through her body. She went to the window behind her and pushed it open, allowing the fresh, cool spring time air succumb her sense of smell. She took several deep breaths trying as hard as she could to rid herself of the scent Alex left behind.

Minutes passed and Olivia stepped away from the window, her breathing returned to normal, and she could no longer smell cucumber melon body wash and strawberry shampoo anywhere. _"This is nuts! We had to end it. It was the best thing for both of us. We weren't made for each other, we weren't meant to be together. She should of moved out months ago and I shouldn't of allowed this to go on for two years. We're nothing alike and that is all there is to it." _Olivia may have rid her nose of the burning aroma of her lover, her closets and drawers of her clothes, the kitchen of all her favorite dishes, and the nightstand beside the bed this woman had shared with her for over a year and half of all her nightly possessions, but Alexandra Cabot could not escape her mind. Olivia couldn't run away from the thoughts, the memories, the flashbacks. Everywhere she went, they were there. In her dreams, in her thoughts, in her nightmares. Olivia knew that for the rest of her life, she would always be indebted to Alexandra Cabot.

Olivia shook her head from side to side as if that was the solution to her racing thoughts. She laid out across the bed and flicked on the radio, hoping some tunes would drown out her thoughts. She turned the volume up loud, put her hands behind her head, closed her eyes and listened as Shania Twain's soothing voice came across the airwaves, forcing her thoughts back to forbidden territory: Alexandra Cabot.

_Hope life's been good to you  
since you've been gone_

"_**Hey, I'm headed out, you wanna go grab a drink?"**_

_I'm doin' fine now I've finally moved on  
_

"_**Thank you. But, ya know...I'm just not in the mood."**_

_It's not so bad _

"_**So what can you do?"**_

_I'm not that sad _

_  
**"Well, after he makes his statement I get to cross examine him. Don't worry....I'll go after him."**_

_I'm not surprised just how well I survived_

"_**US Attorneys get a lot of leeway to make their cases. The burden of proof rests mostly on the defendant."**_

_I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive_

_I can't complain._

"_**But we did nothing wrong!"**_

_I'm free again  
_

_And it only hurts when I'm breathing_

"_**How many drinks did you have?"**_

_My heart only breaks when it's beating_

"_**Olivia, the system made a mistake before. Now everything we do is under a microscope."**_

_My dreams only die when I'm dreaming_

"_**I wasn't drunk."**_

_So, I hold my breath to forget_

"_**I don't work for you! You work for me at my discretion. You are supposed to find me cases I can try, not hand me ones I have to fix!"  
  
Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night**_

"_**This isn't about revenge, Alex, it's self defense!"**_

_There's no need to worry, I'm really all right_

"_**No, Olivia, Freido's gun was two rooms away...she had no justification for shooting him.**_

_I've never looked back _

"_**Olivia? Why are you doing this?**_

_as a matter of fact_

"_**Because this kid needs help."**_

_And it only hurts when I'm breathing_

"_**This is crap, Alex!"**_

_My heart only breaks when it's beating_

"_**Yeah? Cuz it looks to me like Michael Gardner making a really good case for tainted identification. I wish you told me about this, Olivia!"**_

_My dreams only die when I'm dreaming_

"_**Hold on that lineup was not tainted!"**_

"_**How do you know?!"**_

_So, I hold my breath to forget_

_It only hurts when I breathe_

_Mmm, no, I've never looked back as a matter fact  
_

"_**I have a protective detail, my mom has a protective detail, I'm not backing off.**_

_And it only hurts when I'm breathing_

"_**Alex, there is no reason for you to DIE for this case!"**_

_My heart only breaks when it's beating_

"_**It doesn't matter if I try this case or someone else in my office does. The intimidation is always there."**_

_My dreams only die when I'm dreaming_

_So, I hold my breath to forget  
_

_Hurts when I'm breathing_

"_**Alex! It's okay, Alex. It's okay, Sweetie, just stay with me, they're comin' right now. Just stay with me, Alex, it's gunna be okay."**_

_Breaks when it's beating_

"_**You're funeral's tomorrow."**_

_Die when I'm dreaming_

"_**Alex,....I'm in love with you."**_

"_**Olivia, no..."**_

"_**No, Alex, I...I am. I have been in love with you for such a long time. You don't know what I went through when I thought you were dead, and then to lose you for a year and a half because of....." **_

"_**I had to shut you up, Liv....I wanted to be the one to tell you I was in love with you first."**_

"_**Liv, if you're not sure about this, tell me. We can wait...."**_

"_**Shh....I'm sure, Alex. I've never been so sure of anything in all my life."**_

"_**Olivia, I can't take this anymore! You're rousing suspicions, your jealousy, your unfounded accusations that I am cheating on you! It's over! Now let me go!"**_

_It only hurts when I breathe_

Hot tears streamed down Olivia's cheeks. "_Alex_...."


End file.
